You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
