I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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