Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
