So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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