i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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