You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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