I am in a vortex of obligation.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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