i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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