why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just invented taco cereal.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
