GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
