We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
