I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
