Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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