I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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