I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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