you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
