Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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