Apparently you make a good broom.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
