Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
