I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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