You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
