I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
