theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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