He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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