I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
