apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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