Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
