At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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