Only a mothe r could love this liver
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
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Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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