Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
