I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
