My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
