ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
