he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
