Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
