3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
