The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
