He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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