I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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