Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
