Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
