I'm going to jail i love you
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
