had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
soo... how was my night?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
