apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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