i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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