I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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