who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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