i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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