I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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