You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
