im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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