i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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