Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
