I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How's work?
Spinning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
