Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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