walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
